On submission

some words on being a sexual and BDSM submissive (written for my petition for Training of O)

I came to BDSM (BDSM came to me?) through my work as a dom, sub, fetish and fantasy professional. I gravitated towards the work out of curiosity, but it didn't take long for me to realize that pain exchange, fantasy, and power play has always been an integral part of my sexuality and personality.

For me, the greatest integrity of being a submissive is surrendering my body, mind and erotic energy to the guidance and turn-ons of a top. As an artist and intellectual and athlete I look to folks I admire to set the bar higher and the pace faster. As a top I am always moved and impressed by a bottom whose genuine desire to serve ME becomes an inspiration for me to take things somewhere I didn't know I was capable of going. There i

s a lot of continuity in my switch identity, and I love to be

the ideal bottom for my top persona, the complementary sadist for the masochist in me, and vice versa.

While I enjoy topping and consider myself a sadist in some regards, I am at my most genuine as a submissive, bottom, and masochist. I have been lucky to have playing DS relationships with several women and men in the intervening years who are wonderful tops.

The Story of O (both the Pauline Réage novel and Guido Crepax comic) was an early teenage source of erotic fascination for me. Its appeal lies in the way the story explicitly plays out and literalizes a confrontation of my values and identities - inequality of the sexes to a feminist, supreme power to an anti-authoritarian, strict structure and etiquette to an anarchist punk. I have since developed an understanding that what is satisfying about DS play for me is the way it explores social anxieties - gender trouble, sexual inequality - or my own issues - beauty image, authority - in an erotic arena. In other words, it's satisfying to be called a slut/bitch/cunt, or t

o call a man "Sir" in play or bed because, not in spite of, the fact that I would not allow anyone to call me a slut on the street and loath to defer to power or control in my everyday life.

The submissive dimension of my sexuality derives from my nature as an extreme attention whore, my gluttony for extreme sensations and situations, my need for deep, immersive fantasy experience, and my love of tests of endurance.

I get off earning the right to be the center of attention. Ultimately I live to entertain.